I stare at the calendar and I can't wait for May to be over with. May 1 stands out and I can't wait to not have to look at anymore. Mom died that day, a few minutes after noon. It's so hard not seeing her always welcoming smile and hearing her voice. The last time I heard her speak was on Tuesday April 22. I miss her.
Here is the link to her obituary I wrote if you care to read it.
http://www.legacy.com/MarinIJ/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=109286638
If I knew how to post a link with just a click, I would, but I don't, so you'll have to copy and paste it in. I just don't feel like learning how to do it today.
Please feel free to leave a comment on the guest book there.
We buried her next to her mom, my grandmother, in Cary, IL on Monday May 12th. It was a really beautiful day, having rained the day before. All my cousins were there, thank you all for coming. Someone counted and I think there were 68 family members there. I hope to see them all again, under happier circumstances....someone get married. We need a reason to celebrate.
It was wonderful seeing all my mom's brothers. They were all born in the Philipine Islands and the stories about them growing up during the war are just now starting to be told. All of us cousins want to hear them. I saw first cousins that I hadn't seen in years. I don't know someone them all that well, but I think that will change. I can't wait to get to know more about them and grow closer. I can't even begin to count all their kids and grandkids. Yes, grandkids! How can we our generation have grandkids? We are just kids ourselves. But I guess with Mom gone, my siblings and I are the old generation when it comes to our immediate family. Scary thought. I'm not ready to be that yet. That was Mom's position. She was good at it, she had all the answers, she knew how to do it.
I didn't know how to do something the other night. Mom would have. And I couldn't call her to ask. Be it knitting, baking certain items, family receipes, she was the keeper and she left before she taught me everything I'm suppose to know. I miss her
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
somthing a bit deeper
When I first started blogging about Mom rather than the commute, I said that this was to be a place for me to vent how I'm feeling inside. Well I have to an extent, but today I need to use it attempt to justify what's going on inside of me.
Tuesday's emotional roller coaster can not be describe in words. Thinking we were going to lose her those couple of times a day took a lot out of me. I didn't realize it till this morning when I woke up and laid in bed thinking. I got home Tuesday night, exhausted, and was talking to my boyfriend Mark about the day. I hadn't hit the wall yet, until he made a comment that I would have normally not really thought to much about, but that night after he said it I couldn't get upstairs fast enough to bury my head in my pillow and let it all out. It wasn't anything awful he said, I think if he had something as simple as "great weather", it would have had the same effect.
That was the first time I've really cried. Sure through all of this tears have streamed down my face and my throat was too chocked up to talk and I was on the verge of loosing it, but not to the extend of sobbing, I held it back, but Tuesday night it finally came, and I haven't cried since. Did I get it all out of me? With all the time that has past, have I become desensitized? Or has it just gotten easier? Is the shock of all this wearing off and I'm less emotional about it? Or have all my raw nerve endings begun to heal already, even before it's really over?
I'm here with Mom and my sister this morning. Her blood pressure is at 94 over 60. She's running a slight fever, but she's holding her own. Day 9. Pretty incredible for someone they weren't sure would make the ambulance ride here.
Tuesday's emotional roller coaster can not be describe in words. Thinking we were going to lose her those couple of times a day took a lot out of me. I didn't realize it till this morning when I woke up and laid in bed thinking. I got home Tuesday night, exhausted, and was talking to my boyfriend Mark about the day. I hadn't hit the wall yet, until he made a comment that I would have normally not really thought to much about, but that night after he said it I couldn't get upstairs fast enough to bury my head in my pillow and let it all out. It wasn't anything awful he said, I think if he had something as simple as "great weather", it would have had the same effect.
That was the first time I've really cried. Sure through all of this tears have streamed down my face and my throat was too chocked up to talk and I was on the verge of loosing it, but not to the extend of sobbing, I held it back, but Tuesday night it finally came, and I haven't cried since. Did I get it all out of me? With all the time that has past, have I become desensitized? Or has it just gotten easier? Is the shock of all this wearing off and I'm less emotional about it? Or have all my raw nerve endings begun to heal already, even before it's really over?
I'm here with Mom and my sister this morning. Her blood pressure is at 94 over 60. She's running a slight fever, but she's holding her own. Day 9. Pretty incredible for someone they weren't sure would make the ambulance ride here.
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