When I first started blogging about Mom rather than the commute, I said that this was to be a place for me to vent how I'm feeling inside. Well I have to an extent, but today I need to use it attempt to justify what's going on inside of me.
Tuesday's emotional roller coaster can not be describe in words. Thinking we were going to lose her those couple of times a day took a lot out of me. I didn't realize it till this morning when I woke up and laid in bed thinking. I got home Tuesday night, exhausted, and was talking to my boyfriend Mark about the day. I hadn't hit the wall yet, until he made a comment that I would have normally not really thought to much about, but that night after he said it I couldn't get upstairs fast enough to bury my head in my pillow and let it all out. It wasn't anything awful he said, I think if he had something as simple as "great weather", it would have had the same effect.
That was the first time I've really cried. Sure through all of this tears have streamed down my face and my throat was too chocked up to talk and I was on the verge of loosing it, but not to the extend of sobbing, I held it back, but Tuesday night it finally came, and I haven't cried since. Did I get it all out of me? With all the time that has past, have I become desensitized? Or has it just gotten easier? Is the shock of all this wearing off and I'm less emotional about it? Or have all my raw nerve endings begun to heal already, even before it's really over?
I'm here with Mom and my sister this morning. Her blood pressure is at 94 over 60. She's running a slight fever, but she's holding her own. Day 9. Pretty incredible for someone they weren't sure would make the ambulance ride here.
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