Are you missing a citizen?

Dear Ruler of Planet Jerk,

Are you missing a citizen? Because if you are, he was riding BART here on Earth yesterday morning. He managed to take up three seats on a packed morning commute train. His voice, his loud voice was the only voice heard on the train that morning. While the rest of us sat quietly reading our newspapers, trying to catch a few more minutes of sleep or just enjoy the usually quiet ride to our jobs, he managed to make at least 10 calls on his cell phone and laughed at the callers on the other end because they were still sleeping. Of course the laughter included lots of cussing, swearing and calling them names that we don’t yell out loud in public places here on Earth. I feel especially bad for one of the several women he called. Apparently she tried to inform him of the Earthly custom of not making phone calls to “friends” before 8:00 am. I only caught his end of the conversation which included something along the lines of “well hell, I’m not fucking married to you”. I’d be surprised if any woman on our planet (or any other planet) would ever want to be married to him, let alone fuck him.

I, along with many others, would appreciate if you would call him back to his home planet, along with any (and all) traveling with him. While you are at it, would you please stop issuing passports for travel for all your citizens.

Sincerely yours,

Cecelia Liss
Earthling