a different direction for a while

Hello everyone,

For the next week or however long it takes, I'll be taking this blog in a different direction temporarily. My mom is ill and we don't expect her to make it. So I need to use this blog at an outlet for what I'm feeling inside. I'm not one to cry, especially in front of other people, so I need to use this as a source of letting go all I am feeling inside me right now.

I came in late to work today because I had to stop at the hospital this morning. Yes, I had to.

Let's go back four weeks ago yesterday. It was Easter Sunday. I picked up my mom at the Independent Living facility she was living at. She could shower by herself, dress herself, feed herself, walked without any assistants, she was very independent despite some dementia. She did have problems managing her medication, so the decesion was made to move her into the assisted living wing there. Essentially it's exactly the same as before, the only difference was that they come by first thing in the morning and make sure the take their medication, and then again at night. Easter was wonderful. The family together on a beautiful spring day.

Now lets go back three weeks ago. My Mother's 80th birthday. We all met at McCovey's restaurant in Walnut Creek. Growing up we had seasons tickets to the SF Giants and mom has always been a baseball fan, especially of the Giants. We had a wonderful day and toasted her and her birthday was a round of beers. The moment of the day was when my mom realized she was 80. The look on her face was priceless She thought she was 78. Funny thing, Im 47 and I keep thinking I'm 35. Guess her and I are more alike all the time.

Now go 2 weeks back. My cell phone rings at 7:23 in the morning. I ususally don't answer that early on a Sunday morning, but I did. I saw my sister's name on the call waiting and new something was wrong. She told me that Eskaton, the facility where my mom lives, had call, they found Mom on the floor and in a lot of pain. They had called an ambulance and it was on it's way to take her to the Emergency Room. An hour later I'm walking into Kaiser in Antioch where my sister is waiting for me. Mom has a broken hip. I'm not going to go into all the details that went on there, but surgery was performed that night.

The next Thursday she is transferred to an Assisted Nursing facility in Walnut Creek. When I visit her there, the twinkle is still in her, but not shinning as brightly as ususal. Fast forward to Tuesday April 15, I get a call from the facility and Mom's lab work has come back out of whack. Her white blood count is at 38 when normal is about 9. She is lethargic and they are taking her Kaiser in Walnut Creek. My sister goes that night. I picked the wrong night to have a couple of cocktails after dinner and didn't feel comfortable driving up there safely.

The next morning I get there at 8 am and she is still in emergency as they don't have a bed for her. I hold her hand, tell her how much I love her. She calls me by my sister's name and tells me how much she hurts. At this point she has pnemonia, a blood infection and her kidneys are workning as they should be. There is no twinkle in her eyes. I stay with her for a while till my sister gets there, then I go to work and just barely go through the motions as my desk.

I'm there again that night after work, and she is more aware and recognized that I'm there. Occasionally she manages a smile, but she is still obviously in a lot of pain.

At this point I don't think she has eaten a full meal since the surgery. She went in weighing about 80 pounds, but I can tell she's gotten even smaller. I try to see her everynight. Friday I didn't make it because of a commitment I had in the city. Thank God for my sister who lives about 15 minutes from the hospital and is able to go buy 2 or 3 times a day.

When I get there on Saturday her blood is still out line. Her white blood count is in the mid 20's even after having blood tranfusions. The only words she speaks over and over to me are "help me, help me Cecelia" "I just want to die, please help me". I try to tell her that I'm doing all I can for her. That I love her and that it's in God's hands. She has a constant thirst that she can't seem to quench. She isn't strong enough to sip through a straw, so we all take turns holding the cup up to her lips. Everyone is there with her today, me, my sister and her husband, a very good friend of the family, my ex-husband and his new wife. Later in the day my oldest son arrives from Roseville.

It's absolutely horrible seeing my mom in this much pain. We call for the Dr. and he tells us there isn't a lot he can. They giving her pain medication but it isn't enough to keep her comfortable and she isn't responding to any of the other medications. At her age and in her conditions they really don't want to give her to much more morphine.

My sister and her husband, me and my ex-husband who adores my mom as much as she adores him, his new wife and I all meet in a conference room to talk. We've all held my mom hand's and heard her wishes and see the pain and suffering she is undergoing. We have her wishes that she had made up with attorney years ago about how she doesn't want life prolonged if it isn't going to be a life worth living. After lots of tears and talk, the decesion is made to put her on a morphin drip and to discontinue the other medications that aren't really working.

They give her another shot of morphine before I leave and she seems a little more comfortable. I kiss her, tell her how much I love her and that I'll see her in the morning.

The next morning my youngest son went with me to visit. My sister and my oldest son were already there. The morphine drip was in place and she was pretty much asleep the whole time I was there. Her eyes would open and she would say a few words before closing her eyes again. I'd brush her hair, stroke her arm for her face and just let her know I was there. After a few hours I had to leave to drive my son to work. We said good bye and as I kissed her good bye and said I'll see you later, she opened her eyes and said "See you when you get get here". The tears in my eyes were for joy. Those moments of clairty with her get me through the day.

I go back that night and sit down next to her. My sister came in a few moments later. Mom woke up enough to talk with us. So for 5 - 10 minutes we talked. The sparkle in her eyes was so strong and alive. I left that night feeling very peaceful.

At my visit this morning, well she was pretty much asleep. She'd open her eyes and look at me, but then drift back into a drug induced sleep. I spoke to the nurse and I guess she was uncomfortable during the night so they up'd her morphine. I think she knows I was there, but I'm counting the minutes till I leave work so I can be there again with her.

I'm not going to bother running the grammer or spellcheck, these words are just coming out of my hands from my heart, so please excuse any errors, but I really don't care.

I'll check back in and let you know how she's doing, or maybe it's more like how I'm doing.