It seems like a month ago since I last wrote that blog about my mom, even though it was just on Monday, two days ago. Well that's where my thoughts still are. On Tuesday we moved her from the hospital to the most incredible Hospice House. Tuesday, yesterday, which already seems like a lifetime ago, was an emotionally exhausting day. That morning in the hospital mom was coherent, she would say a few words to us, but you could tell she was in lot of pain. The hospital, as wonderful as they all were there was in incredibly difficult place to be. She didn't have a private room, it was loud, noisy and anything but peaceful. The hospital social worker (at least I think that's what her title is) contacted Hospice on our behalf and they met with us that morning. After meeting with them for about 1/2 an hour, my sister and I decided to move Mom to their facility. We were very nervous about her surviving the short 4 mile drive there. That afternoon before the ambulance came, the hospital Chaplin came in and spoke with her. He also talked to us which was comforting, even though I never really considered myself a religious person. Spiritual yes, but not religious.
My sister asked if I would be the one to ride with her. How could I say no, even though I was very afraid about seeing her in the extra pain I knew she would be in and even more scared about her not surving the ride. It was my duty as her daughter and a chance to be there for her. They gave her extra morphine before we left.
The ride there was easy, but after we arrived and they were moving her into her room you could see how much pain she was in and how much anxiety she had. My sister and I were at her side trying to comfort her. The nurses there gave her more morphine and we had the chance to talk before it took complete effect. Many I love you's were said, the tear flowed as she told us she had little left. We held her hand and tried to be strong. I don't know what's worse, saying goodbye or seeing her in so much pain.
About 9:00 she finally seem comfortable. And we were somewhat comfortable. I can't begin to describe the incredible facility she is at. It's called The Bruns House and it's located in Alamo, CA. It's like being in hotel. They only have 6 beds for patients and at the time they only have four patients there. The room is really nice. It's cheerful, quiet and very welcoming. There rest of the place is equally as nice. It's like walking into a really nice home. A beautiful dinning room and living room, a full kitchen, the grounds are landscaped. It just feels right.
I left at about 9:45 in a completely exhausted state. Mom was finally out of pain, thanks to morphine and lorezepam. I got home and finally collapsed about 11:00. I was back there at about 7:30 this morning. Mom was pretty unresponsive as she was the night before. Occasionally her mouth would move and her eye brows would show expression. But no words were said. The day before when we spoke with the Chaplin, he told us a bit on what to expect. He had mentioned that sometimes it would be a while between breaths. Well he was right. At one point we were both just looking at her and she took a breath. It was a really long time before she took her next one. Unbenost to the two of us, my sister and were both mimicking her breathing patterns, when she finally took another breath, my sister and I both gasped for air, looked at each other and laughed and said it was time to turn the TV on. At 9:00 they came in to bathe her and change her sheets so I decided to go to work for a couple of hours while my sister stayed with her.
I was back at her side at 1:15. I was able to log onto the Internet there and was answering email from work and trying to get a little work done. The priest we had wanted to come see her came by that afternoon. Of my Mom's three children, I was probably the one with the least religious upbringing. But I am so glad that I was the one there when he did the last rites. They say that the hearing is the last sense to leave you. I know my mom heard every word and felt all the tenderness that Father Ray put into it. It was beautiful and I'm glad I was there to experience it with her. Mom, I hope you are proud that I remembered all the words to the Lord's Prayer! You taught me well.
Later this evening our friend Meiwei came to visit. If my mother had had a third daughter, it would be Meiwei. Her and I sat in my mom's room and just talked. Well, more than talked, we laughed, we told stories. It wasn't to just each other, but my mom was included in the conversation. Most would start off as "Hey Mom, remember when..." The only thing missing was my mom answering us. About 9:00 I looked over and said to Mom something like "Mom, isn't it great remembering the good times" and she responded by nodding her head and smiling. I can't begin to explain the joy and happiness that filled my heart. We know all along that she was listening and understanding and being a part of our conversation, and she proved it to us. I didn't tear up all night until then, but the tears that streamed down my face were tears of happiness, joy and pure love.
It's on the drive home tonight that it hit me. Will this be the last time I get a smile and nod? Will she still know that I'm in the room with her tomorrow? Tonight she was so with me and it felt so good. I know she only has a day or two left in her. I'm not ready for her to leave me. Yes I want her to be pain free. She is ready to go and we have talked about it. She's told me so, and I've told her that it's okay to go. I tell her this because I love her and want her to be at peace. But I can't imagine her not always being there for me. If you only knew the smile and twinkle in her eyes that can light up a whole room. I don't want her to die. I want my mom.
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